Slaying My Dragon of Loneliness

Fairy Tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons are true, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
– Neil Gaiman

Recently, one of my coaching clients identified her fear of being alone in life or more importantly being lonely as an underlying issue in her life.

My client is a successful professional woman who has never married and finds the prospect of continuing her life as a woman alone frightening.

She is aware that to be alone is preferable to being in a negative or abusive relationship.

In fact, she recently faced that decision and choice with great strength and courage when a man to whom she was engaged became emotionally abusive and his labile emotions and outbursts had her constantly on edge.

She could certainly see, as many have seen, that being in a relationship does not protect you from feeling lonely. In fact, during my own struggles with loneliness I realized that as difficult as it was at times to be alone, that was preferable to a relationship where you felt alone; isolated and separated from someone you cared for, loved or expected to fill that void within you that loneliness created.

In my life these issues reached a pinnacle when my career took me to a new City where I had neither friends nor family and then changed in an unexpected manner so that I was working from home with no social engagement. There I was not only alone but forced to come face to face with what I began to call my dragon of loneliness.

I had, by that time read a sufficient number of self-help books, both psychological and spiritual to know that I “should” be able to sustain and nourish myself sufficiently to not suffer from my loneliness. But I never found that knowing or determining that I should not feel something ever gave me freedom from an emotion. Fortunately for me, meditation was a well-ingrained practice in my life at this time, so I was able to gain some perspective on life beyond my emotional turmoil, but still I suffered from the loneliness and isolation that had become my life.

Holidays were, of course, the worst and all those days when I “should” be with others or “should be happy.” Attempts to go to the homes or celebrations of other peoples families often left me feeling more bereft and lonely than to just stay home and be alone because it confronted me with what I wanted but did not have in my life.

Often, at night, in my dreams I began to wrestle with this problem in the symbolic form that dreams often take. Night after night, time after time, I would in a terrifying and threatening dream be attacked by a dragon that in my dream I knew to be a symbol of my loneliness. Night after night, time after time, I would battle the dragon, often defeating it. Frequently cutting off its ugly head only to have it either grow more heads like a Hydra either in the same dream or when the dragon next appeared.

During the day, while I had work to fill my time I often felt isolated but not really so lonely. The most difficult times were unscheduled evenings, weekends and of course holidays. The rest of the time my life was busy enough that I did not experience the underlying loneliness so badly, but, somehow it was always there as a reminder that I was ultimately alone.

The dragon dreams became a frequent part of my nighttime sleep adventures. It seems that no matter how dramatically and thoroughly I battled and ultimately defeated the dragon in my dream, it would emerge again hail and healthy ready for battle. Because of the pervasive pressure of the dreams and the circumstances of my life as a woman alone, I began to consider frequently the issue of the difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

I realized that just to be with people did not protect me from feeling lonely. It is possible to feel lonely in a crowd and in many ways that is even more devastating than being lonely when you are alone. I began to see in the lives of many around me how the fear of loneliness led many to make poor life choices, accepting in relationships being demeaned, disrespected and abused just so they would not be alone.

I realized that conquering this dynamic in my life was very important. I often pondered what made the difference between feeling lonely and simply being alone? I came to the conclusion that the key resided in my expectations. It seemed I felt most lonely at those times and events where I believed that I “should” be with others, where personal or societal norms dictated that I “shouldn’t” be alone. I “should” be in a happy family.

In other times I found I was quietly able to nourish and enjoy my time alone. It was these expectation times that were painful. I began to realize that loving myself and liking myself were essential elements in not feeling lonely. I found that journaling was a great way to resolve painful emotions as the very act of writing down my feelings shifted my perspective and expanded my understanding.

You can not be lonely when you like the person you are alone with.”
– Wayne Dyer

I began to wonder why I thought I “should” have circumstances in my life different from what they were. I began to accept that my life at that time was the way it was and not “should” on myself. I began to see that the tendency to approach my life with the phrases “Should have,” “I could have,” or even “I ought to” were toxic. They led to disappointment and dissatisfaction. They prevented me from appreciating and enjoying what I had as everything fell short of the desires and expectations I projected onto an event.

The way that desire created suffering became very clear. The way that projecting onto life events the expectations that accompany the words “should,” “could” and “ought” brought me out of the present moment. Most importantly it made it difficult, if not impossible, to appreciate and enjoy what was really happening in my life because I held life up to unrealistic illusionary and imaginary standards forged by movie films and book novels that were created in the mind but rarely lived.

A significant breakthrough in all of my thoughts and ponderings on all of these issues came to me as a Thanksgiving Holiday approached. I had already decided that I would not join my friend’s family gathering that had historically concluded in my feeling more lonely and dissatisfied when confronted with what I did not have in my life. I decided to spend Thanksgiving Day alone. Stripped of the projection of what I “should” experience I reasoned that Thanksgiving was a day like any other so I determined to spend it at home, alone.

I had a peaceful fire in the fireplace, I lingered over my coffee. I made a special breakfast for myself. I had a relaxing and very peaceful bubble bath (in fact it was where I created the basis of what today is my Bathing in the Light Meditation product.)

Nourish yourself by washing away your troubles and feel restored, refreshed and rebalanced. Instantly download your MP3 meditation visualization of Bathing in the Light by Genevieve Gerard today.

It was a luxurious way to indulge myself. I nourished, honored and demonstrated love for myself that whole day, and amazingly was not lonely or sad the whole day. It was one of the most freeing and significant days in my life.

That night I had another Dragon Dream. The Dragon began to approach me in the dream, but as he approached I did not take up my sword to battle and defeat him. I became fascinated by watching him approach as I noticed the multicolored radiance of his scales. As he got closer I realized that his scales were made of jewels.

Still fascinated and amazed by the beauty of his radiant jewels I let him approach, not afraid, just curious and accepting. As he drew closer and closer he wrapped his serpentine body around me. I realized that he and I together looked like a caduceus. His dragon wings were behind me and his fire breathing head centered over my heart.

A rainbow appeared in the sky above my head. I awoke feeling restored and refreshed. I realized as I wrote in my journal the next morning that this dream marked a significant transition in my life for I could now enjoy and appreciate my time alone, free from the loneliness that had challenged me for so long.

My ability to be alone and nurture and sustain myself became a strength that stayed with me even when my life changed, to a married woman and mother.

The freedom from “shoulds and oughts” has become a cornerstone in my teaching others ways to live in joy. Since that time having time alone has been a source of strength as I have learned to nurture myself.

Learning to love myself and freeing myself of the expectations of “should” have made a huge difference in my life and in my ability to be happy.

Are you ready to truly love yourself and take time out to nourish yourself by washing away your troubles and feel restored, refreshed and rebalanced? If so take some time this week to purify the deepest pains inside of you and cleanse and soothe your mind, body, and soul on all levels.

You deserve to love and indulge yourself and slay your dragon of loneliness.

Namaste,

Genevieve

The blessing of love on all that you do!

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