Love is the Antidote to Criticism and Judgment

Criticism and judgment may well be one of the most damaging ways you hurt the ones you love.

Sadly, it is one of the most common ways that couples destroy the love that should be the greatest blessing and joy in their lives.

It is a trap of inter-relationship, which has seeds in the psychological concept of projection, but more importantly in the dynamics of how people often “fall in love.” Unfortunately, our media manufactures unrealistic perceptions of what it means to love another.

PROJECTION

During that special magical time of falling in love, it is human nature to project all that is good and wonderful onto your beloved. Just as later in the relationship, it is human nature to project your own faults and failures onto your beloved.

Both of these experiences are illusions and neither of these has anything to do with love. Although, if you consider any of your failed relationships, beginning middle and end, you will most likely recognize this pattern.

Too truly love accepts the other as who they are, supporting and honoring them in their unique life journey, although it may well be different from yours.
– Genevieve Gerard

At the beginning of a relationship, you may have been drawn to your beloved, from the impulse of your Soul (whose nature is love) or your karma with the person. When you meet that someone, you may feel a connection that is special. This may even have to do with a bond of love that has been forged in eternity.

You may feel understood in a way you do not feel in most of your daily relationships. You could feel a sense of unity with the other, a coming together in a way that transcends the mundane. You know and acknowledge that this relationship is different. With your beloved, you are more alive, more real, more fully in touch with your full being than you normally are when you are alone.

You feel connected, content, and joyful. You may even feel more connected and in tune with your Soul, your higher self. Since most of us do not always feel connected, content and joyful, it is easy to assume that these feelings come from the other and the process of projection begins. You say to the other “you are wonderful.” The other says to you, “no, no, you are the one who is wonderful.” Feeling validated, appreciated and loved, you both feel wonderful.

This process of feeling wonderful, supported, validated, appreciated and even complete provides a hint to the aspects that compose a positive and successful relationship. Ponder on this!

This positive and supportive relationship can then grow and expand into the declaration of love for each other. This unconditional understanding and acceptance is what you long for and expect from love. This is what we have grown to expect of “falling in love.”

The two keys in this concept are unconditional and acceptance. To receive life-affirming love and acceptance are powerful and life-affirming. It gives you the impetus to be the best that we can be. In addition, when you are willing and able to give your beloved unconditional love and acceptance that brings you together, you move forward in life to have the true strength and joy that comes from a loving union.

Thankfully, you can use this illusory period of projection to truly let love blossom and mature into true love. Armed with the blessing and the strength of love you are then able to move forth in life to be and become all that you can be, knowing and trusting in the benevolence of that love.

CRITICISM and JUDGMENT

Sadly, for many loving unconditionally is too much. Forgiving the little hurts and the real or imagined slights that could sustain the love is just too hard. Unfortunately, what follows next in the pattern of relationships demonstrates why learning to forgive is such an essential part of love.

The unforgiven slights and hurts build up and become criticisms and judgments. No longer do you say to your beloved, “you are wonderful and I love you.” Rather, the message becomes, “you have failed,” “you are wrong.” “You are less than you could be, ought to be or should be.”

No longer does the confidence and faith in yourself that came from being loved and understood give you the strength and courage to go forth in the world to be all that you can be. No longer do you feel strengthened and supported. Sadly, what has disguised itself as love now has become harmful, limiting and demeaning.

Having the one who says that they love you, or who has vowed to love you, be critical and judgmental can be very confusing. Often this transition starts a pattern of criticism and judgment that ultimately destroys the love that was once created. It may take a lifetime to destroy because love is a powerful positive force.

Receiving, in return for your love, criticism, and judgment, from the one you love and from whom you once received love, is devastating. It creates pain and often undermines your self-confidence. You cannot understand how you can love someone and receive back the toxic criticism and judgment where you once received love and acceptance.

The harm of criticism and judgment is immediate. You may feel betrayed by life and love itself. The ability to trust in your love is in some way fatally damaged. The lack of trust and the betrayal it brings may take years to destroy the relationship because the criticism and judgment is often interwoven with loving and positive messages.

It is important to realize a truth I first read in the seed thoughts of “A Course on Miracles.“

judgment is the opposite of love

Judgment fails the life direction of harmlessness because I can imagine little that you can do to another that is more harmful than judgment. It undermines confidence; it destroys the celebration and self-assurance that could come with every success by holding it up to an impossible and imaginary standard of perfectionism. It is a toxic poison in relationships, especially and most importantly in relationships that are presented as loving relationships.

Unfortunately, judgment and criticism are all too often the results of your own feelings of failure. The very projection that was so active at the beginning of the relationship, of declaring the beloved to be so wonderful, is now in full manifestation of a constant process of faultfinding or blame.

Also sadly, on some level you probably realize that the process of projecting feelings of failure on your beloved is damaging. This increases your feelings of failure. When you are actually trying to be loving and supportive, being the critic results in more self-criticism and self-loathing. On a very deep level, you know you are failing to love and are hurting the one that you love. This failure to demonstrate love only escalates this cycle of judgment and criticism. It is easier to blame the person you love than to take stock of yourself and face yourself with truth.

Recognition of how you have failed to love, by being critical and judgmental, is important. Asking for forgiveness, and/or repenting are all important parts of forgiving.

Committing to break the behavior habit of criticism and judgment is significant. Watching and evaluating what you say, with the consideration of harmlessness and right speech in future communication with the beloved, can help rebuild and re-establish the environment in which love can thrive.

THE FORGIVENESS PROCESS

Learning to forgive is of course the answer. Forgiving yourself, not only for your failure to love unconditionally but also for all of the little ways you have failed and fallen short of your own self-critical expectations of perfection or success is important. This is a very important step in stopping the toxic treadmill of criticizing others.

Self-forgiveness can open the door to loving yourself because loving yourself is essential to you truly loving another. Forgiveness is a way to heal your past. It can wipe the slate clean, and open before you all of the possibility, hope and promise that you have ever dreamed of. Self-forgiveness in your failure to love, and asking for forgiveness from your beloved, are key parts of rebuilding and reestablishing the promise of love you gave.

To forgive yourself you must open yourself to your Soul, which both now and always has loved you unconditionally. You do this by calling upon your Soul to help you with this awesome task.

Your Soul knows and understands all of the reasons you have failed to love. It knows what challenges resulted not only in your failures to love but also in all your failures in life. When you sincerely call upon its help, it can and will reveal to you clarity about your life and your choices that may be painful to observe. This often strips you bare of all of the excuses and justifications you have used.

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As you invite the higher vibratory energy of your Soul Light in, it moves through your consciousness and you are, by its revelation, able to know forgiveness and the higher nature of real love. Most important with insights from your Soul comes a clarity that shatters the behaviors of the past and opens up an unformed future that now lays before you, free from what has been.

The tears and horror of what you have done may need to be released, but the grace and peace of truly forgiving yourself are so powerful that you can now look at your old behavior patterns with compassion. You can emerge from this a new and much better person.

You realize that when you have forgiven yourself, you can now honestly ask for the forgiveness of the person you have failed to love unconditionally. You can stop criticizing or judging. Instead, you can give true love from the depths of your body and Soul. You can give unconditional love!

This journey to the Soul, to the self and too forgiving yourself may well be the most powerful and transforming decision you have ever made. In the act of self-forgiveness, you can silence the voice of self-criticism and judgment that you projected on your beloved and miraculously change your behavior.

Without forgiveness and love, you will live with resentment, bitterness, malice, and strife which result in more pain. You can never love without forgiving. Forgiveness deepens your ability to love and frees you from pain.
― Kemi Sogunle

The final step in this forgiveness process and returning love to your life is to ask for the forgiveness of your beloved. Forgiving the hurts and slights, that happened along life’s way is important. It is an essential ingredient in any loving relationship. Without it, love cannot be sustained and thrive. Amazingly, forgiveness is so powerful that it can restore the blessing of love in a relationship. It can renew both your hope and your joy.

It is never too late. Forgiveness and love both live in the “Now” and so can be restored in the moment. Such is the unlimited power of forgiveness, the promise of living in the presence and the miracle of love.

When you ask for forgiveness, let the truth that the Soul’s Light reveals guide you. Forgiveness comes from Love and Grace. It is a gift of your Soul.

As Church traditions teach, there is a powerful impact of contrition and making amends. These do much to solidify and manifest the changes in your life that self-forgiveness desires. In forgiving yourself, you seek the capacity to transform both yourself and your life in a dynamic and substantial way. This is available to you. You are not limited by your past.

Forgiveness is the handmaiden of Love. By forgiving, you express and manifest Love. Love is more than a romantic excursion but a momentous guiding force in your life. Learning to Love and learning to forgive are supporting pillars of a spiritual life. Through these two important acts, you can increase your peace of mind, find satisfaction and lasting happiness. These are the keys to a life of joy and serenity.

Namaste,

Genevieve

The Blessing of Love on all that you do!

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About the author:
Genevieve Gerard teaches Transformational Consciousness – from first awakening to enlightened Soul awareness. She helps you experience the joy that results from the spontaneous “touch of your soul.”